I admit, I was harsh in my last entry on this topic.
I generally try not to be overly harsh in my writings, but that incident in combination with the ex-guildie begging for Wailing Caverns runs and, frankly, general frustration in Real Life[TM], inspired me to let my cynicism out for a little bit.
Now that I’m done being cynical, I’d like to say:
Females as a Novelty in Online Games
I understand that females are still a “novelty” of sorts in online games. Sure, there’s more of us playing every day, but for some reason it still seems to be a surprise (to me, even, as a female) when we meet an actual female playing a toon in World of Warcraft, instead of just another guy looking at a “cuter” toon.
Online Crushes Happen - Even To Me!
I also understand that crushes happen - online, over phones, over Instant Messaging, or over handwritten letters as it was in the “old days”. I understand you don’t need to ever meet someone in person to begin to feel those “warm fuzzy feelings” that we humans equate with “love”.
I’d also like to say that I’ve felt warm fuzzies for folks I’ve met online, without ever having seen their face or heard their voice. There’s some people who interact with others in a “cool” way that I personally appreciate, and in my wanting to keep cool people around me, I do actually find that “crush-like” feelings can develop for these people.
And you know what? Frankly, these particular warm fuzzy feelings aren’t something I reserve for just males… I feel warm fuzzy feelings for women, men, children, dogs, cats, FISH… anything that interacts with others in what I feel is a “cool” way.
Crossing Boundaries With Online Crushes
So, what’s my problem with this whole thing then? Why the outburt of cynicism back there? Why do I say I won’t party with this particular guildmate anymore?
Because those “warm fuzzy” feelings I feel don’t make me put actual efforts into trying to get up-close and personal with online buddies.
Over time, I do admit, I get to learn personal details about people I feel “warm fuzzies” for, but when I say “over time”, I mean over the period of months and months, while planning and running dungeons and quests with them and hearing about things which affect our ability to plan and run things: Work schedule, personal social time, hobbies, children, parents, phone calls, etc.
I’ve even talked about deep personal values, privately, on occasion, and even talked about meeting some of my online crushes In Real Life, Some Day[TM]. We all realize, however, that it’s unlikely to happen due to geographical restrictions, and certainly, none of us are holding off our real-life dating practices because of an online crush.
YoungGuildmate Seeks Attention/Approval
The difference here is that the YoungGuildmate is looking to me for approval and when I deflect his attempts to get me to give it to him, he seems to take that as a signal that I misunderstood his intention, and he tries harder for my approval.
Compliments my every decision or voiced practice (ie: someone asks how to make money, I offer suggestions and he pipes in about how ’smart’ I am and how good my ideas are).
Tries to insert himself into every guild-chat conversation that I’m a part of.
Logs into toons near my level specifically hoping to party up with me.
Makes big sad faces and sad commentaries when I reject his offer of partying up.
Talks to other members in the guild about how I do or not do feel about him.
And in general, behaves in a way that is painfully obvious to everyone that he’s desperately seeking my attention and approval.
The Problem With Attention/Approval-Seeking Behavior
The biggest problem with this type of behavior is one simple thing: Lack of Self-Respect.
Self-esteem, of course, is a large underpinning of self-respect, so it’s assumed to be included in this “one simple thing” (thus making it more complex, I guess).
Simply said, if you are seeking approval or attention from an individual who doesn’t wish to give it to you, you’re giving the other person power to contribute to your personal misery in life. In other words, you’re causing your own misery, and likely contributing to a downward spiral:
- You seek attention/approval from Person X.
- Person X seeks it coming a mile away (smells the desperation) and recoils out of instinct.
- You take it personally that they recoiled, and “reach out” to “prove” you’re worthy of their attention/approval.
- Person X pulls away further because when they stepped away before, you stepped in closer, they felt uncomfortable about the personal space violation and stepped back again.
This quickly turns into a bad downward spiral, with more efforts towards “proving” things and more efforts towards recoiling.
Eventually, the one recoiling gets tired of the personal violations, or the one trying to “prove” themselves gets tired of trying to do that, and then the true drama begins - bringing other people into the problem that once only existed between the two, until one of the original two has to make a decision to leave or remove someone.
I don’t see this “unrequited love” problem ending without some type of drama (like the drama of me booting his ass with the comment of “dude, don’t overtly crush on officers, it’s bad form”). Thankfully, for now, my male co-Guildmaster has taken over talking with YoungGuildmate, and hopefully the drama will be minimized.